How to Deal With That Annoying Customer Who Came In 5 Minutes Before Closing

You work in a shop. You want to go home.

You check the time. It’s nearly time to close. The place is dead. You haven’t had a customer in ages. You check the time again. It hasn’t changed. There’s no one but you in the shop. You could tidy… but everything is tidy. 

You could close early — surely no one will notice. If you left now, you could get the earlier bus.

Only five more minutes. Time drags, but you’ll soon be on the way home.

...and in walks that shopper.

You need a strategy:

1. Sound

Our first goal is to minimize the standard welcoming shop ambience and maximize discomfort and annoyance, so:

• Immediately turn off the music. (If you have already turned the music off because you couldn’t take another second of corporate’s MOR mixtape, turn it back on for 30 seconds, and then turn it off.)
• Let awkward silence fill the shop floor. Let that customer hear their own footsteps, the rustle of their clothes, the sound of their own breathing. We want church and library vibes. Make them feel like they’ll get shushed just for browsing.
• Next: Count some money. Do a quick no sale and start swiping coins across the countertop. Rattle them around in the till drawer. Even shake and crack open that charity goblet. Make the clatter of change be the shop’s new soundtrack.
• Still not taking the hint? If you have access to a CD player or can stream some of your own tunes, drop something decidedly non-ambient. Death metal, drill, free jazz… Baby Shark — use music as a torture device. (If by chance, your customer happens to like your alternative beats, hey, you might have found a friend! Just make sure to adequately explain shop-closing etiquette to them at a later date.)
• Remember: You may be tempted to just set off the fire alarm but this will in fact, do very little. Customers like to continue to shop regardless of whether the building might be on fire. If you’re hoping they will drop their purchases and run, forget it, they will at least try and pay first.

2. Physical Deterrents

• Turn off lights. If you can turn off a few banks to darken the ambience of the shop floor, great, do it. If not, you may have to ‘accidentlly’ plunge the place into darkness.
• Clear the rubbish. Empty the waste paper basket from behind the till. Carry out all those black sacks. If you can drag an overflowing wheelie bin across the shop floor, even better.
• Guard the front door: Twirl your keys like a jailhouse warder. If you work in a place that sells baseball bats or garden implements, feel free to accessorise.
• Enlist the help of Henry Hoover. Get him out, drag him round the shop. If your customer makes eye contact with him, his anarchic little grin will surely send them on the way. (Remember: Henry is always on the side of the retail worker. To the customer he’s basically a Chucky doll and will ooze sinister threat the longer they stay in his presence.)

Now, you’re probably not supposed to vacuum with customers in the shop in case they trip over the lead so take care. Here’s a Venn diagram that shows the crossover of people who enter a shop at closing time and people who are oblivious to trip hazards.

3. Communication

If you happen to have a colleague with you, have a conversation within earshot of your customer. Some quick ideas:

“Must remember to leave a note for the guys tomorrow”

“Don’t let me forget to turn off that heater before we go home”

“I’ve cleaned up the kitchen, all ready for tomorrow.”

“Any plans for tonight?”

“When are you in next?”

If you don’t have access to a conversational work buddy because you’re on your own, fake a phone call and begin with the following:

“Yeah, you caught me, I’m just closing.”

4. The Last Resort

If all else fails… Just lock the door with the customer inside and go home. You don’t get paid to work late.

Have any other tips? Let us know.